Apr 28, 2008

hard act to follow

here we are.
capture this moment.
because this is the only time you've ever really felt alive.l

et's play dead.
and pretend the whole world stands still.
at least for now.

let's be brutally honest with each other.
because lies are the only way down.

let's fight our wars without words or fists.
but with the entanglement of hearts.

let's begin what we always said we'd start.
and let's make it work this time.

we're working harder than we're used to.
because the payout's never been so important.
it's life, it's love.

and i'll stand back and take a long look at the things that we've created.
and i can say to myself.
i hope that we're not done quite yet.

because building it's half the battle.

keeping it upright is going to make our heads spin.

running certain scenarios over and over in my head like a rod and gear.
this is where i lay my head at night, and it's pretty much all i need.

it's barren. it's empty. it's not much for cover.
but it's all i can call home.
at least for now.

i'm praying to gods i'm not sure exist.
that you'll keep me.
that i'm it.

that this city can contain me for a little bit longer.
that i'll still come out shiny, and strong.

that i won't trample over myself like a wilted flower.

that i will be who i've always said i've been.

and i'll accept my newfound place.
with pride.

and i'll wear love like a badge of honor and courage.

Apr 19, 2008

living near the bridge

pretentious salt lick valley
this is what i've used to sustain
but i'm not stabilized anymore

i'm drowning in my own body
trying to keep afloat in the
slowly seeping liquids of my illnesses

it's hard to breathe with holes punched
through my sinus, the size of...but one man's heart
keep blowing

it's becoming unreal to awaken
sitting on edge of the toilet suitable as a metaphor for life
and all i can manage to get out
is a shudder
in response to the pubic hair settling too near for comfort
it's a disgrace

people come to las vegas to die

and although it's been a long, drawn out process
i'm not so sure that it's time to do myself in
just yet

because the juice is too damn good
and i saw a sunset yesterday at the end of my street
that made me realize that
was all a dream
and that i'm fine

the pinks and oranges
are still comforting

at least for me

Apr 15, 2008

topped off.

my skin needs someone to make an intentional expedition through the pits and valleys and mountains of it's spread.
i don't look how i feel anymore.
i'm emptying my cage for the first time...and it's not pretty.
i've come to realize that i never really owned my own heart.
and now that i do, i'm selling it to the highest bidder.
and he's won. he's already won.
i wonder if friends, and their values, will ever come in test sizes.
i'm letting go of habits that only bring me peril and heartache.
i'm spreading the wealth of days gone past, but i'm still not packaging it right.
she says i need to really open up.
i don't know what that means.
as i've open up so much, that if i go any farther, nothing, in time, will matter to any of you. nothing will be of importance.
i will be what i am, only uglier on the outside.
even though i know, it will make me cleaner on the inside, and therefore, beautiful.
i just want to see the stars and smell the ocean again.
i need to remember that i'm alive.
and alive for many many reasons.
i need heaven to occur before i'm dead.
and if need be, i'll find it in people.
i need to throw away the past, because it hurts me too much to hold onto anymore.
i need the smiles to be more real.
i need the empty promises and the dishonesty and the covering up of character to be stopped.
i need people to stop being liars about who they are, down deep.
you're all easier to see through than you think.
as for the things that tie me down.
i need to throw them all away.

Apr 13, 2008

dead hands.

the hand that extinguishes the flames...
is quick to die...
because there are too many things around here...
that need burning...

i'm calling this my exit wound...

what i wouldn't give to be part of the asphalt on the road that leads you home...

to be a part of your journey...
the one that i've missed out on...

a while back i feared that when you'd leave, my flame, too, would be extinguished...

but i feel the fire burning anew...
something magical will rise from these ashes...

because i've realized...that all along...it's you i've been hiding behind...

she still holds your hand and closes her eyes and wants to walk through the fields of wheat with you...

but you never got to know her...

and now you're gone, too.