precisely

it's come to this...you and i and so many questions that i could use the answers to...
you see, i've waited patiently for an apology, when there was never really anything to be sorry for...
and now that i have it...i'm not sure what to do with it...
i feel like....
i wanna know your bones...each one by name...
i wanna forget how bad i hurt most days...and only remember each negative space surrounding your body, each tooth filling your smile, and every single decible of your laughter...
i'll be sitting here, working on the things i should have said...and pray...that you feel the same of me...
there is a great line that divides us.
whether time, or space, or something yet to be seen...i am not sure.
feeling empty has gotten a lot easier to swallow down...
but my face still tells no lies except to those who choose to be lied to...
freedom is choosing whose slave you want to be...
you've had me twice, and i wonder when you'll stop throwing me back, take the hook out of my mouth, and either cook me, or hang me on your wall...
because the current here is too strong...
or that i were the only clamshell you stopped to open, and you kept my pearl with you, always.
and because i know...what forever feels like when time is never on your side...
to finally identify...what it is you're running away from...is a love song in itself...
i'll never win a gold medal or an oscar or a grammy or even a barfight...how could i win your heart?
if i was a gamblin' man...i'd bet on my side to lose.
but all your bones are cheering for me.

and i can finally hear them.

great gifts

great gifts.
the teachers who've taught me...that, in order to really hear people, you've got to be silent...are finally speaking to me again.
making my lust for enlightenment and creativity much more intense.
i am not the little engine that could...i'm the caboose.
trailing the end, but still part of the bigger picture, nonetheless.
perhaps when the train de-rails...i'll be the only one strong enough to stay on track...
i feel like i've finally grown into my skin...and for once...i like the way it fits.
it fits like i could one day be the ruler of my own world.
it fits like my mother told me it one day would.
it fits like love is filling each nook and cranny...keeping me warm.
it fits like i won't hurt anymore, because i am my own cushion.
it fits like two people should fit together.
it fits like promises that are kept.
it fits like dangers that i am brave enough to face.
it fits like never having to pretend you're perfect.
it fits like inspiration.
it fits like the weather outside is finally good enough.
it fits like a man's smile should fit in my soul.
it fits like the missing piece to my puzzle.
it fits like my daddy's cowboy boots.
it fits like the sun down into the horizon.
it fits like truth.
it fits like it should.
it fits like i'm finally realizing what it's going to take to be at peace with myself.

no longer in progress.

i'm eyeing each scar like a broken dream that i've been forced to live with...
i can feel each blemish as if it were only now being made...
i am losing so much ground with myself...
this collection is a reminder of memories of accidents and of accidents that served a purpose...
may we all be reminded of our excesses and our ineptitudes...
and may our lucky stars shine bright in us, on this, our darkest night...
because my heart doesn't feel so lucky these days...
and the debts i owe are becoming far too great for me to pay...
this laziness has rendered me more restless than i had imagined...
those honey bees are still carrying small bits of my breath to find a new home for me...
their flight is too slow...
the hive is still empty...
and i'm still sleeping half my day away because it's better than spending it alone...
while the world is away, working...
i'm making a fool of what i have left of myself...
and i'm selling the parts of myself that don't matter...
how does one look when they're trying desperately to not look desperate?
if only my words were worth their weight in gold...
how do we fend for ourselves without the proper weapons?
without a coat of armor, or someone to help you take the blows?

i'm filet mignon in a jelly jar full of piranhas...

but it seems, they're already full...

inspiration can bite my fat ass.

what i need you to etch in me...
i haven't got room for the carving...
the cuts...
the grooves...
the man who'd risk my beauty rather than keep his tools sharp...
the way the chisel hardly breaks the surface
and yet my tears are quickly eroding me as if i were made of limestone...
as if the man was a raging river...
as if the only unique thing about me is that i am sedimentary...
leaving myself behind in piles and heaps...
to keep someone else's land fertile...
to help someone elses flowers grow...
shaped into a cavern or figurine
i am still not the sum of my parts
i am a sculpted creation
made with someone else's best interest in mind...
when all i want...
is to be something beautiful for you...

ramble ramble.

do not be alarmed...
for what i have made...
i have made with stone and blood...

and i am not afraid to finish it...

do not be fooled by innocence of age...
for what my father's made...
he's made with blood and promises...

and he is not afraid to end it...

this beast...
this, screaming guide...
it speaks to me in tongues...
repeating what i already protect like truth...

keeping guard...
the monster puts me to sleep each night...

because he fears not blood, nor youth, nor corruption of the truth...
he sees what i'm eyeing...

my catalyst has become too much a solvent to make much more than a mess...
and i am preaching wisdom to those who already knew it best...
and it is escaping them like a song they didn't like...
like a poem read too quiet...

reminding me...
all the while...
that the truth...
is much harder than it seems....

scales.

like a snake
slithering haphazardly
trying so hard to shed it's skin
reveal the sparkling scales beneath an itchy tight sheathe
my eyes have been cloudy, too, snake
you're just trying to shed your skin out of instinct, out of habit...
i'm trying desperately to shed mine
because deep down, i wasn't supposed to be this...
you and i are both wild creatures...
both stuck in cages with glass walls for strangers to look in and see...
we'll put on a show, hood up, let them see our underbelly...
we don't do it for them...
we do it because we have to...
it's so strangling sometimes...
living with an outfit of age...
but when it comes down to it, snake...
we're both just living for the next time
that we can shed our skin

muting the poet

lately, i feel trapped in a prison of pink and blue flowers...
something so soft, so delicate, and yet their bars won't ever spell out the answers to my questions...
like...if you love eachother enough, does it really work, does it really last?
am i being lied to, or am i just not hearing your truth?
have i lost my edge, or has someone or something else stolen your attention?
or other questions...such as...
why do fathers end up giving up?
why don't they love you like you'd like?
after all these years, would it be easier to write him off?
and the question i find myself coming back to, that i can't bear the truth about...
do all women subconsciously seek men who are just like their fathers?

and...mommy, can you hear me?
because daddy's been dying a long time, he's long gone...

lover won't love anymore...

and i still don't feel good.

your boy's grown up big and strong and healthy...
the girls like him a lot...
he plays baseball well...
smart...
but he does too many drugs, momma...
i'm not sure if it's cause he misses you...
or if he's just bored...
maybe he doesn't feel good either...

daddy sure misses you...
so bad that he's dying a slow death from missin' his woman...
got rid of everything so nothing would remind him of you...
of what he's lost...
and the life he wishes he could lose...

grandma just turned 70...
and just beat breast cancer...
she's lopsided now, but well taken care of...
her spirits are higher than mine...
always have been...
she pushes me...
the way i wish you were still around to do...

your brothers...
one seems pretty happy...been with his lady a long time now
the other seems unhappy...not quite sure why

as for me, momma...
i'm doing about the same...
my heart's never really stopped hurting...
and the stomachache's still come and go...
wouldn't ya know it?
i don't have a problem swallowing pills now...
so many things have happened, and we've grown so big, momma...
adults now...
but something inside me...
i'm not sure what...
never feels good...
i feel like i'm in a constant dream state that i fear i'll never wake up from...
i never once...found god.
i've never felt kind of comfort since i was little and you'd hold me in your arms...
i guess on the outside, you'd be proud of me...
but inside...
you and i are exactly the same...
i just don't think i'm ready to swallow as many pills as you did...