wow.

as i was rummaging through my uncle's movie collection...i find "Mark & Mara's Wedding"
so i popped it in the VCR and watched it.

i had forgotten what her voice sounded like...her laugh...
the way she looked when she was really smiling, and not posing for the photos that are the only thing i have left of her.
the way the two of them seemed to share something greater than we could see...as she said "i love you, mark" as he was walking by...
it seemed that love was enough, right where it was, right as it was...right where it needed to be.
i was 9 years old in the video...and i don't think i remember my mother being so beautiful as she was when she was smiling...like in this video...
it was hard to watch someone so beautiful...knowing that within 5 years, she'd be lying in anguish nearly every day...a monster...sicker than i've ever seen someone...
still, my memories are cloudy...and i can't be sure if most of it was exaggerated...
all i know is that she's gone now.
been gone for a long while.
but man...

she was so beautiful when she was smiling.