Feb 20, 2008

piece of a letter.

I read Sedaris to make myself smile. And most of the time, I feel like hurting myself. Yanking a cuticle off sometimes doesn't do the job. And I don't smoke anymore. I find myself wanting to get lost in empty unfulfilling relationships, just so I have someone to tell my life's story to. The only problem, I'd probably have to hear theirs.

Selfish? A bit.

I itch from the inside of my skin. Have since I was a kid. The worst itch is the one that you can reach, and need a chainsaw to scratch.

I want to be the next Sally Ride.

I wish I could let loose on the mic the way my heart speaks in beats and measures and I wish my middle name didn't sound like serial killers slicing through muscle. NICOLE - rip - tear - slice -

I wish life were like a Woody Allen movie, and I want the soundtrack to be the music two people make when they fall deeply in love. I wish love really did conquer all. I wish doves were exposed for what they really are. White pigeons. I wish I didn't bruise so easily. I wish for black eyes that I earned and one's that I did not. People think the sum of one and one is two. But it's me and you. And that's one too many.

I once taught tennis to a 3 or maybe 4 year old named Luca...who had curly blonde hair and a laugh that threw all caution to the wind. I thought "that's what angels look like". But he never saved me. He just smiled. And laughed. And ran wildly as a breeze formed in his curly hair.

Then again...maybe he did save me.

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