tread lightly

he doesn't know that he treads dangerous waters
putting limits on things
like time
like life
like love
like forever

there will not be a time when i won't want
to serve a purpose
to make others smile
to cause ripples
to be a mother

because the love i have
could challenge the ocean

these arms are already outstretched
welcoming
waiting
hoping

that there will be no limits

and one day
i'll make a tiny wish
come to the light

for that, i am meant

breach

we compiled names
clever, crack-whip, unembarrassing names
to see that face
that name used up
ridiculed
sent forth
into a world
that is not so forgiving

i tried to rub you out
in spoonfuls
pull you from those hips
remove you from that shaft
take you in
to me
so i could nurture something

twenty four was the breach of contract
a life less worth living
i was not made use of
twenty five
are the last days
the only times
and it will not be today
or tomorrow

years from now
i will remember
all those salty
mouthfuls
and wish i could purge them
back up
and plant them

dear mom.

it seems like i write you a different letter every year...but they all say the same thing.

this year, instead of handwriting it to you and keeping it hidden away...i'm sending it out into the cyber world. one that you are not so un-familiar with. for posterity.

i want to tell you, mom, that i miss you. you already know that. i also want to tell you that you were right. about a lot of things.

you used to say you were scared to death of a crazed mad man in another country, getting mad at us, pushing a button, and our skin would melt off. well...in weird ways, it's happening. i'm glad you're missing it. it hurts the most, seeing horrible things happen, and having no control. we are all control freaks. most need to be in control, many lose control.

it seems i am right in the middle. apathetic. i don't care one way or another. i feel like my apathy is a sickness...that i fear i won't recover from.

i am still trance-walking through my existance like a zombie, looking for something, anything...and i still don't know what. what if i find what i'm searching for and don't realize it.

your life was cut very short. but you still had done things that i haven't at my age. you'd had a child. you'd been married. perhaps you never found what you were looking for...i'll never get the chance to ask you. but...when i think of the "end of the world"...more than fear, a jealousy brews in me. for all the people before me who've lived their full lives, many years, and accomplished more in their lives. this should kick me in the ass to feeling a sense of desire to accomplish goals, to strive to be what i feel i need to be, to see things. but instead, i feel disconnected, depressed, and apathetic.

the world is ending, mom. i think it all started with september 11th, the hurricanes, the tsunami's, the earthquakes, the floods, the nuclear disasters, the oil spills...oh yeah, and the wars. that's right mom. we just bombed libya. this will be the 4th war i'll have seen in my lifetime. thankfully, you were not so lucky to have seen so many. we have used our mother earth up, ma. she's angry. i'm not sure if we were the ones that hit her in the face the hardest, or if we are the ones paying the price for the collective destruction of our ancestors and ourselves.

then i remember, the dinosaurs didn't do anything to warrant total extinction.

but that crazed mad man, may have his finger on the button.

i'm sure i'll be seeing you soon.

-mare

recorded march 13th

this pacific wave
this heart
crashing into the coast
as though
that were the only way
you'd hear it

crushing
crushing everything
in it's path
where does it stop
where is it's beach
where is that point in which
the water will receed

this heart
sometimes this heart overflows
sometimes this heart pours

sometimes this heart pours
pours some more

but never gives
a single drop

recorded march 16th

)my love life(

the traffic lights
change too quickly
around here

cause somehow
they know
that nobody
is coming.

shadows

holding out my hand
reaching for that thing
any
thing

holding back in
telling you
i can't shake
this fever

aching to
take
something
back with me

can't remember
a time
when i
felt

this alone

fox in socks

i sat
drinking
afternoon coffee

daydreaming
about his facial hair
mutton chops

how would they feel
grazing my cheeks
as we made out?

daydreaming
about trimming
my pubes
into mutton chops

how would they feel
grazing his cheeks
as he made out
with my pussy?

one of my most recent conversations

went something like this:

me: ding dong helllllloooooo

him: hello

me: hey. how's it going?

him: biz sucks. but it's going.

me: aside from biz, how are you?

him: was sick for a while, but am better now

me: cold? flu?

him: bit of both i think.

....nothing for 5 minutes

me: well. great talking to you.

him: geez. ok.





now...am i being overly self conscious here? or does this guy want nothing to do with me. i'm trying to be friendly, make small talk. and yet, get nothing in return. not even a "how are YOU?"

this whole disinterest thing is driving me nutzo lately.

rant

i seem to have all of these passive guys in my life. all the guys that want me to make the first move. do all the work.

remind myself that chivalry is fucking dead and buried.

if i could even find someone that feigned interest, it would satisfy me more than how shit's going now.

my bed is cold and empty. i haven't been touched in months. no one kissed me for new years. or christmas. and i will spend yet another valentine's day alone. not doin' shit.

most of the time, i can't even masturbate without feeling rejected, and disillusioned.

i'm gonna go take a cold shower...and remember how timing...is everything

MareBear on Etsy

Buttons Jewelry Supplies and MORE by marebear on Etsy

Today, begins the actual blog.

This "blog" has been mostly a place for me to throw my poetry. Keep it safe. Accessable.

Today, I'd like to start up that old tradition of keeping a "log", or "journal"...again. I'll still be posting poetry, but I feel like that isn't helping me say what I need to, when I need to say it the most.

I want my blog to inspire people. Even though I live the most uninspiring of lives possible. I live in my Granny's basement. I am single. I have not completed college. I am 25. I do not aspire to do many things. And the things I do aspire to do...I generally fail at. Not to say I don't try, when I do, in fact, try. But the process seems to escape me once I know I'm losing.

I wanted to make a list of the things going on in my life at this present moment, and start to keep track of these things. The best poetry, I feel, I ever wrote, was written in journal format, ages ago, on my myspace "blog".

So, here goes:

1. I cleaned my make-up toolbox today, all of it. It's a chore.
2. I have been wearing more make-up lately, because I feel like I need it, and, because I have this consumer driven urge to use up the things I have around.
3. I dropped my hairbrush in the toilet today, again. I rinsed it off, and put it back. I figure I use it so very little it won't matter, even if there are chunks of shit in it.
4. I haven't had sex since November 2nd. And lets just say...it was without a doubt, the most horrible sexual experience of my life.
5. My last date was with a guy...who had a lisp, and grew weed for a living. And I'm not just talking about an easy way to make some money, I'm talking...this guy lived breathed ate slept shit MaryJane. It was pretty pathetic, and I felt really bad about the whole dating scene for a few weeks after.
6. Cosmo magazine tells me that 25 is the perfect age to have a kid. This being noted, I'm feeling kind of hopeless considering my track record of dating SUPERSTAR losers.
7. A goal of mine, is that if I don't have a job(any) before March 1st, I'm flying to Portland/Seattle for some vacation. Then down to Florida. Then maybe to Spain/Portugal/France. However, travelling abroad scares the turds outta me, anyone wanna go with?
8. I am actively looking for a job, sending out resumes, filling out applications. So far the only place that seems interested in me is the local head shop. I'm fine with that.
9. I'm using self-tanning lotion lately, because I feel that I'm so pale I look sick. This discourages me, because summer just ended. I should have a nice caramel glow. Instead, I look like Morticia.
10. I am listening to "On The Road" on audiobook. I got excited about the part when he bought alcohol in North Platte. Too bad he didn't specify where, because it would probably still be there.
11. My cousin Charlotte is getting married in the Summer. This kind of makes me sick, as I am the oldest of 5 grandchildren. All of whom, are over the age of 18. She is the youngest of the 5. But has the best job. Figures. Waitressing owns.
12. I am STD free. Thank fuck.
13. I have also been cigarette free since 5 months ago. I am thrilled with this. And have 0 urge to smoke. Right on!
14. Keep getting messages from dudes from my past, or friends, even...proclaiming their undying love for me. And yet, here I am, single, alone, and still living with Granny, unwed, babyless. Figures. Men are cowards.
15. But I want one.

I guess that's about all that's been going on in my life. Not a whole lot of anything, really. But I AM happy. Content. And above all, satisfied.