Mar 20, 2011

dear mom.

it seems like i write you a different letter every year...but they all say the same thing.

this year, instead of handwriting it to you and keeping it hidden away...i'm sending it out into the cyber world. one that you are not so un-familiar with. for posterity.

i want to tell you, mom, that i miss you. you already know that. i also want to tell you that you were right. about a lot of things.

you used to say you were scared to death of a crazed mad man in another country, getting mad at us, pushing a button, and our skin would melt off. weird ways, it's happening. i'm glad you're missing it. it hurts the most, seeing horrible things happen, and having no control. we are all control freaks. most need to be in control, many lose control.

it seems i am right in the middle. apathetic. i don't care one way or another. i feel like my apathy is a sickness...that i fear i won't recover from.

i am still trance-walking through my existance like a zombie, looking for something, anything...and i still don't know what. what if i find what i'm searching for and don't realize it.

your life was cut very short. but you still had done things that i haven't at my age. you'd had a child. you'd been married. perhaps you never found what you were looking for...i'll never get the chance to ask you. but...when i think of the "end of the world"...more than fear, a jealousy brews in me. for all the people before me who've lived their full lives, many years, and accomplished more in their lives. this should kick me in the ass to feeling a sense of desire to accomplish goals, to strive to be what i feel i need to be, to see things. but instead, i feel disconnected, depressed, and apathetic.

the world is ending, mom. i think it all started with september 11th, the hurricanes, the tsunami's, the earthquakes, the floods, the nuclear disasters, the oil spills...oh yeah, and the wars. that's right mom. we just bombed libya. this will be the 4th war i'll have seen in my lifetime. thankfully, you were not so lucky to have seen so many. we have used our mother earth up, ma. she's angry. i'm not sure if we were the ones that hit her in the face the hardest, or if we are the ones paying the price for the collective destruction of our ancestors and ourselves.

then i remember, the dinosaurs didn't do anything to warrant total extinction.

but that crazed mad man, may have his finger on the button.

i'm sure i'll be seeing you soon.


1 comment: