Dec 29, 2008

ten ten

she speaks to me like family.
saying things she's come to know about me.
things i already know.
such as, "you are as wild as the wind."

i tell the gravedigger that my heart...and my body...belong to thieves

i am my actions.
but moreso than anything, i am words.

and they'll never be able to speak my poetry.

but she and i...we need each other like antiques need the past

Dec 25, 2008

fuck your christmas bonus in the ass.

i hate the holidays.
i already miss the snow...

he won't know. he'll never know.

got a "merry christmas" from a person who used to call themselves my friend

i told her to fuck off. and damn, it felt good not to forgive someone for a change.

Dec 20, 2008

because i'm fond of them

open letter.
one chance. one chance is all i'd need to prove myself.
i'd be the woman standing on the mountain top, giving every last breath she has, to praise your existence
i'd be the sum of all the broken dreams you ever had and never intended to keep holding onto
i'd be as delectable as your favorite beer, and maybe you'd keep a little bit of the foam on your lip to lick off later
i'd be a cheap date
and i'd hold the door open for you and would thank you if you did the same for me
i'd find ways to make doors open for you
you and i, we'd do big things
and we'd make little things...that would grow into the concrete face of our love
all at once, we'd both be strong enough to carry the armor the other provides
but we will let it slide off easily for each other
i'll mend your broken bones with splints made from the rusted roots of my being
i'll give you terrible haircuts
i'll make those bad dreams go away by bending my fingers intwined like dream cathers and you will sleep and dream of love
i won't argue politics, unless provoked
and i'll root for your favorite teams
i'll never surrender so that your victories will be more fruitful
respect. i'll deem you in the highest regard
i'll spend my own money
some on you
more on us
like time
like moments
like writing you letters
and you'll have always loved my words

even though i can't promise you the world...i can give it what i've got

Dec 16, 2008

an oldie.

i'll tell you what i see when i look into a mirror...
i see a little girl, who has a long way, still, to go...
i see my father changing faces, changing moods, but never changing his mind...
almost foreseen, he doesn't give a shit about seeing his kids.
i see my mother, standing tall, living up to no one's standards, making sure to make due.
almost forgotten, she doesn't know how to let go of this child's eyes.
i see those eyes, stare back at me...and i wonder, who is it, i'm supposed to be...
i know one day, they won't be able to talk to me like they did in grade school...
and if they do, it won't hurt me like it used to...
i know one day, this face will grow tired...i'll earn wrinkles...my hair will gray...
i will finally be looking at the person i would aspire to become...
and i'll have sworn that i could already recognize myself...
hopefully, by then, i won't need mirrors.

Dec 12, 2008

if i were jesus.

if i were to raise up my father, in a light he didn't deserve...
to deify him...
so that he were considered a god.

perhaps he would love me as much as his other children.

maybe if my mother were more like mother theresa...
people would remember her in a different light...
they'd see that she truly was a saint...
she was all seeing, all knowing, and could heal the sick and wounded...
but what saint, has ever healed themselves?

if i were jesus...
i'd make the rain fall a little bit, every day...
i'd tell you not to pray to me...but to yourselves...
and you all, would finally know, finally see, and finally feel...
my love.

Dec 8, 2008

wow.

as i was rummaging through my uncle's movie collection...i find "Mark & Mara's Wedding"
so i popped it in the VCR and watched it.

i had forgotten what her voice sounded like...her laugh...
the way she looked when she was really smiling, and not posing for the photos that are the only thing i have left of her.
the way the two of them seemed to share something greater than we could see...as she said "i love you, mark" as he was walking by...
it seemed that love was enough, right where it was, right as it was...right where it needed to be.
i was 9 years old in the video...and i don't think i remember my mother being so beautiful as she was when she was smiling...like in this video...
it was hard to watch someone so beautiful...knowing that within 5 years, she'd be lying in anguish nearly every day...a monster...sicker than i've ever seen someone...
still, my memories are cloudy...and i can't be sure if most of it was exaggerated...
all i know is that she's gone now.
been gone for a long while.
but man...

she was so beautiful when she was smiling.

Dec 6, 2008

small things

i wish for small things.
like the drill bit not to break.
for men to be as soft as the soil is here.
for cousins to smile.
i wish for small things like the equation between you and i finally being solved.
i wish for the spirituality in me to be found.
i wish for the pictures to never turn out better than what they're being taken of.
i wish men were as strong as these redwoods.
i wish for small things like christmas coffee mugs filled with tea.
for someone to remember me.
for the captain's chair.
for my body to be covered in my history.
for the future to come as slow as it wants.
i wish for small things like tiny fish on the end of my pole.
for my creativity to be rewarded even halfheartedly.
for criticism that means something.
for greasy pliers and softer sandpaper.
i wish for small things like the roosters giving up.
like my mother's ashes making it here safely.
like my brother knowing how much he's loved.
like my dad dying peacefully in his sleep.
i wish for small things like small victories and small treasures.
like smiles.
like handshakes.
like gestures.
small things.

like small things that are much greater than they sound.

Nov 29, 2008

ignorant little girls who shouldn't speak

i guess you could say i ruined thanksgiving last night...

got into an arguement about prop 8 with 2 homophobes (who happen to be my uncle and my grandma's boyfriend)...

and then about 9/11 with people who think that the news stations(abc, nbc, fox) are all legitimate in reporting the truth...

when i asked my grandma's boyfriend "what if i was gay...would you not want me to have the same opportunity as you? To be happy? to get married if i wanted?"

he said "homosexuals are gross...it's not natural..."

i asked him if it made any difference whatsoever in his life, if the gay guys up the street want to get married, and he said "yeah, it's disgusting and they just want tax breaks...marriage should be between a man and a woman"

i got so heated...that i almost threw my plate at the wall...

instead, i spoke in a quiet voice, and tried my damndest to show that he was wrong, bigoted, homophobic, and a fucking asshole to boot.

he then said "you're an ignorant little girl"...and told my cousin "you didn't vote, so you can't talk about any of this"...

her dad, my uncle, then said that "most gays, are pedophiles"
wwhaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!

i left with courtney, walked down the stairs, and just as i got to the bottom, i ran back to the top, went into the house, and yelled "OH, BY THE WAY, I STOLE THE MCCAIN SIGN OUT OF THE YARD"...

WE spent the night at my bosses other house(while his tenant is away)...i got high, drunk on champagne...and went to sleep...

- something new i'm working on.



i push my fingers into my ears as deep as they will go...
goddamn! i wish i couldn't hear myself anymore...
pretty enough to get the job, but not too pretty that there will be a distraction...
this old man's eyes are speaking of troubled times ahead. he will not let me leave.
except by the blade.
this scar's been here for 12 days too long, and i still haven't had a cigarette.
if i was a little bit stronger, i'd have one.
but i am weak, cowering before myself like a child before a belt...
i won't let myself go places.
because being late is far more scary than getting lost.
these creeks are carrying with them, my childhood disillusion and the sand which i bagged to wall up this...overwhelming sadness...
and we all need to drain out.

sometime.

Nov 19, 2008

progress

driving into town...
ivy hung down freeway barricades...
like my mother's hair hung down her back...
trucks rip through autumn leaves on back country roads, like i want to rip through life...
"this was her birthright," i thought...
not her home...
as i'm quite sure my home...is somewhere i have yet to discover...
the trees sheet the mountains to remind me of the past, and how much is left for me to find...
the wool is still over my eyes, but it...is so warm there.
small treasures and pleasures and only pausing to smile because this...was all...on the same planet...in the same country...one state away...
the family i have here...will teach me...in the best ways possible...and with sensitivity...how to be a man...they will teach me how to hunt and gather...how to fix a car...the right way to cut firewood...how to build a fire, and what time of year is best...
but it will be the woman in me that still knows when's best to burn...
there's something comforting about being this hot and not being on fire...

Nov 7, 2008

where i'm at

today, i'm in a place of slow settling peace.
i know now, that what i need is to not be able to see over the trees.
i need to lose mysef in the mountains, and cleanse myself clean in the american river.
a baptism a long time coming.
the journey thus far has been paved in angst ridden scripture.
holy words for a holey soul.

when do lies become the only thing we read as truth?
when does so much beauty in a town, make me see the ugliness in a city?

the manzanita dances to the tune of the sun.and i will follow it's lead.
i can't remember the last time i lied to anyone except myself.
people say i just don't talk about the truth, and that's about the same as lying.
but my heart is nearly pure.

it's been baked, and skewered, and cooked, and seared, and eaten raw.
what i have left.
feels good.'
feels real.

is yours.

Nov 1, 2008

i will forget

i will forget whatever it is that spilled from the lips of the fool that broke me into pieces.
i will collect them, and carry them with me in hopes that one day, this world will be what i need, and i'll be able to put them together again.
i'll hope that one day, i'll be able to truly see what's inside of me, and feel okay with that.
i need a home, too.
and everywhere i look...i can't find it.
it's hard to find a home inside the heart of someone who's not on your side...but it's not even about sides.
my side is the only one that matters.
i'm fearing the fall, so i'm not standing close to edges, and i'm not experiencing life as i need it to be felt.
i'm hoping that i find a home, and an honest love when i leave.
love of myself.
love for others.love.
just love.

because i hate myself tonight.

and i'm hoping with all my heart that what i'm looking for is as easy as getting there.

Oct 26, 2008

devilwoman

i'm fixated on just what it is that makes a man tick.
why fragility...such as human spirit...and the wind...
are not enough to make sense of it.
why we are all so selfish at the worst times to the best people.
why there is no remorse.
no apologies.
no hugs to those we hurt.
why we feel the need to "get back" at eachother.
why we can't leave well enough alone and get on with it.
with life.
with starting over.
fresh.
i've had my share of instances where i was willing to sacrifice the only thing i had, just to please someone.
myself.
and i've been disconnected, and retracted, and subjected, and affected, and i can't quite figure out how to get those terrible things that were said and done out of my head.
protect yourself.
proJECT yourself.
speak free verse but do it with a smile.
flail your hands around, reach for the sky, caress those breasts, and do it with emphasis, kid!
because your voice is too quiet.
make it so that god could hear you if he was ever listening.
make it so that that man that hurt you, can feel it through to his core.
make it so that one day, they'll all remember your name.
who cares about your face.
or your words.
or what you had to say.
but...you have to say it.
you have to.

Oct 24, 2008

stuck

he puts on the expensive cologne i bought him for his birthday last year so he can attract cheap women.
and my heart is on it's knees praying he finds happiness, and that i find mine, too.
we deserve it.
but it's seeming that it won't be found in eachother.
because the night is too long to get by alone.
but it's the way it has to be.

Oct 6, 2008

a dog that won’t eat spam.

i want your spam in my can.
and i want to know what your children taste like.
i want to feel them running down my back.
i want all fours.
my heart tells me to bail out! bail out now!
before he...becomes just another guy you'll write shitty poems about.

you want slam poetry?!
I ONLY PERFORM POETRY IN THE BEDROOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!
i'm carnal.
and i don't believe in god.

i need him to ache the way i have.

riding with an angel by my side

like a sheep with freshy shorn wool.
i held my hopes in my arms like a child.

not too moist, or it will dampen.
circling fresh, pungent air.
making me feel reckless.
driving me to silence.
driving me to talk to strangers.

here...if you have a cigarette lighter...you...are a goddess.
and the world is an oyster ready to be swallowed down.
but we are learning...only now...how to savor it's taste.

we cried in eachother's arms, and in a moment, i was fourteen again, and she knew i loved her.
but i'm starting to think that i didn't quite deal with it...it's still there, hidden away like a big secret on the minds of a room full of people...

i often wonder how children do it...how they get so damaged, and turn out alright...

we took aim for the stars and found peace in the american river...lusted after trees and saw views that for a split second, made me believe in "god".
we chiseled "souza" into rock, and stood proudly as a family.
and for once, i felt as though i owned my identity, and my name seemed to fit me well. and i was no longer afraid of who i am or where i came from.
i experimented with drugs and hoped the world would not be sold by the time i was sober.

like the horses, grazing on dry grass in the meadows.
running free, but still, somehow...caged in.

i am the forest.
tall. strong. everlasting.

Sep 25, 2008

9/25/08

i re-learn how to smoke cigarettes like i learned how to hold a pencil.
i watch the clouds and wish i could change that easily.
as if the birds, sitting on those telephone wires, knew what was on my mind.
i'm dreaming of back seats and my breath in the winter and my life being like a western.
this reminds me of being 19.
and 20.
it's easy like that again.
and i will make clouds by breathing fire.

Sep 21, 2008

just die alread

some people.

no matter how short they cut their hair.

will always be the same.

all the pretty horses

where i come from...poetry is an outlaw thing...

so i'm trying my best to be original in a coffee shop in vegas, where no one is really listening, and the baristas can't seem to get my orders right...it's not that i mind coffee grounds at the bottom of the cup...it's that i ordered tea...

i tell them to take a picture, that it will last longer...that the way they feel about what i have to say, has little to no bearing on the way my heart will speak...that i still need time to spread my words like butter to your toast...that i haven't drowned enough just yet...

i need more water.

something is happening here...and i'm not sure...that the men i know, are doing much about it...i haven't told them that i want to be "that naked woman in the pictures"...i haven't told them..."long after you're gone, my face will be forever ingrained in the picture books, and goddamn if i wasn't beautiful"...

i haven't told them that my heart belongs to all of them, and to none of them...

i tell them to take a picture, that it will last longer...that we play with each other's hearts like silly putty, and way too much...and they're becoming fused with hair, and are black from newsprint and dirty fingers rolling rolling rolling stretching stretching stretching...as cheap as silly putty is, simply buy more...

like hearts.

i'm spilling suitcases of broken glass in my dreams, and i'm screaming for someone to help me clean it up...to not leave any behind...

i'm not sure the significance of much these days...

but i know the ocean hates me.

and that the sun most certainly, definitely, completely has it out for me.

i tell them to take a picture, that it will last longer...that beauty is fleeting as is youth...that we are but a fraction of ourselves at our greatest, and always a fraction of our worst...that the measure of a man can't be truly measured except by sizing up the woman he has chosen to love...faceless, adept, disarming...

i broke the legs off of the blue plastic horse you gave me...he looks as though he's going somewhere more important than i was to you...his head hangs low, as if to weep, silently...i've broken many things, and don't think my character should be based on that fact alone.

i press the sharp, broken stumps he's left with, into the meat of my hand, and try to feel more than just indifference.

i tell them to take a picture, that it will last longer...that sometimes...this computer breaks...sometimes, i know no other way...sometimes i'm not sure who's breaking me...and i'm sure, that we all, weep silently...

Sep 9, 2008

cartwheels

make me taste the sweet rejoice of your latest triumph...
even though it's going unspoken...you are loving me so hard and so good that i am no longer a child, with the lock to her bedroom on the outside of her door...
i can't forget what it's like to want you, just like i can't seem to get rid of the scabs holding onto the back of my foot from blisters that i know will form if i pick at those scabs, leaving my heels without a suitable form of defense...
i want your skin to grind my layers away like sandpaper...with the power on high, and the paper extra grainy...i want the sharp stares you throw, to freeze me in my place like a wind through the sandhills during winter...
i want you to see me the way i've never seem myself...
it's just that you've never looked this good to me...and i want this tapestry of lust to cover me more than usual...and i don't need love.
i want to see you shake.
like sex...like withdrawl...like parkinsons...like dreams about snakes making your heart race and your breathing speed...
the taste of salt on the tip of my tongue...making it's way around your body...
i want to swallow you down with a glass of lukewarm sugarwater...
those shivers start at the base of my spine and creep ever so dangerously into my neck...
my eyes bolt shut like prison bars
and then you pierce me with warm flesh and i am left with nothing except aching.
i finally know what religion is.
and i want more.
pressing deeper into my layers...you're getting to know me.
this time, i want the lights on.
so you can see what your body is capable of doing to me.
release has never been captured so well.
and it's never felt so good not to breathe.
when what's inside needs to be held onto.
my body is a minefield.and you're doing cartwheels.

teeth marks.

she has truly seen it all.
the earth speaks to her in whispers like trances.
gargling words like the oceans on the moon.
she is determined to make it out of here alive.
but the life she leads is playing out like a bad opera.
she just wants to be heard.
th only things separating us from the animals...are the teeth marks.
and the sad songs.
and we can't understand the sad songs if we have never been in love.
your smile will fit better once you've had your heart broken.
and i'll scatter the remnants of my heart like breadcrumbs.
but i'll have trouble finding my way back.
celestial cherub donning black leather.
snakeskin boots.
riding the bull like a lover.
you are gonna hurt!
finding the one and realizing you are one of many.
it's trial and error.
learn from your own mistakes.
spending the only currency my heart can produce on things that mean absolutely nothing.
everyone can spare love like loose change, but few can spend any on themselves.
i'm tired of loving myself enough for both of us, but just enough to feel left out.
i'm braving it all, and i'm at the front of the crowd.

Aug 29, 2008

except dust.

she is sparkling...like a gemstone that will never be as beautiful as the place from which it was extracted...
the ornament she weilds...will never be truly polished...
you can still break through to her...with the right tools...
she has felt your heat...become molten...and is now easily pliable so you may shape her how you like...
if you must...melt her down again...add impurities...leave her with nothing but pewter running through her veins where love once flowed...
your sandstorm lies are eroding her...
soon...there will be nothing left...
except dust.

fuck privacy.

i wanted you to love everything i ever hated about myself...and then some...
i feared the end of the world would come before i truly loved another as much as i had once loved the ones who'd left...
you...were nothing short of perfect...in my heart...pulling at me...
showing me what a warm embrace should feel like to someone who's been left out in the cold...
whispering love in my ear like it was the only lecture i'd ever have left to hear...
because what was love if not a coat of armor...
for when life isn't living up to what it could have been...
who is a lover if not someone to make you realize that...you...are beauty...
and that the fate of the world...rests only upon both of your shoulders when you are standing...face to face...
that you are not in this alone...that you never will be again...
that this lake of a heart will soon seem a little less land locked because love shall never know of boundaries...
i will no longer be eaten away like oxidation on rusty chevy's...
i will grow like a flower, tended to...
kept warm and touched with care...

and i will help you breathe deep.
because i love, you shall finally know what it means to feel alive.

Aug 25, 2008

precisely

it's come to this...you and i and so many questions that i could use the answers to...
you see, i've waited patiently for an apology, when there was never really anything to be sorry for...
and now that i have it...i'm not sure what to do with it...
i feel like....
i wanna know your bones...each one by name...
i wanna forget how bad i hurt most days...and only remember each negative space surrounding your body, each tooth filling your smile, and every single decible of your laughter...
i'll be sitting here, working on the things i should have said...and pray...that you feel the same of me...
there is a great line that divides us.
whether time, or space, or something yet to be seen...i am not sure.
feeling empty has gotten a lot easier to swallow down...
but my face still tells no lies except to those who choose to be lied to...
freedom is choosing whose slave you want to be...
you've had me twice, and i wonder when you'll stop throwing me back, take the hook out of my mouth, and either cook me, or hang me on your wall...
because the current here is too strong...
or that i were the only clamshell you stopped to open, and you kept my pearl with you, always.
and because i know...what forever feels like when time is never on your side...
to finally identify...what it is you're running away from...is a love song in itself...
i'll never win a gold medal or an oscar or a grammy or even a barfight...how could i win your heart?
if i was a gamblin' man...i'd bet on my side to lose.
but all your bones are cheering for me.

and i can finally hear them.

Aug 21, 2008

great gifts

great gifts.
the teachers who've taught me...that, in order to really hear people, you've got to be silent...are finally speaking to me again.
making my lust for enlightenment and creativity much more intense.
i am not the little engine that could...i'm the caboose.
trailing the end, but still part of the bigger picture, nonetheless.
perhaps when the train de-rails...i'll be the only one strong enough to stay on track...
i feel like i've finally grown into my skin...and for once...i like the way it fits.
it fits like i could one day be the ruler of my own world.
it fits like my mother told me it one day would.
it fits like love is filling each nook and cranny...keeping me warm.
it fits like i won't hurt anymore, because i am my own cushion.
it fits like two people should fit together.
it fits like promises that are kept.
it fits like dangers that i am brave enough to face.
it fits like never having to pretend you're perfect.
it fits like inspiration.
it fits like the weather outside is finally good enough.
it fits like a man's smile should fit in my soul.
it fits like the missing piece to my puzzle.
it fits like my daddy's cowboy boots.
it fits like the sun down into the horizon.
it fits like truth.
it fits like it should.
it fits like i'm finally realizing what it's going to take to be at peace with myself.

Aug 2, 2008

no longer in progress.

i'm eyeing each scar like a broken dream that i've been forced to live with...
i can feel each blemish as if it were only now being made...
i am losing so much ground with myself...
this collection is a reminder of memories of accidents and of accidents that served a purpose...
may we all be reminded of our excesses and our ineptitudes...
and may our lucky stars shine bright in us, on this, our darkest night...
because my heart doesn't feel so lucky these days...
and the debts i owe are becoming far too great for me to pay...
this laziness has rendered me more restless than i had imagined...
those honey bees are still carrying small bits of my breath to find a new home for me...
their flight is too slow...
the hive is still empty...
and i'm still sleeping half my day away because it's better than spending it alone...
while the world is away, working...
i'm making a fool of what i have left of myself...
and i'm selling the parts of myself that don't matter...
how does one look when they're trying desperately to not look desperate?
if only my words were worth their weight in gold...
how do we fend for ourselves without the proper weapons?
without a coat of armor, or someone to help you take the blows?

i'm filet mignon in a jelly jar full of piranhas...

but it seems, they're already full...

Jul 30, 2008

inspiration can bite my fat ass.

what i need you to etch in me...
i haven't got room for the carving...
the cuts...
the grooves...
the man who'd risk my beauty rather than keep his tools sharp...
the way the chisel hardly breaks the surface
and yet my tears are quickly eroding me as if i were made of limestone...
as if the man was a raging river...
as if the only unique thing about me is that i am sedimentary...
leaving myself behind in piles and heaps...
to keep someone else's land fertile...
to help someone elses flowers grow...
shaped into a cavern or figurine
i am still not the sum of my parts
i am a sculpted creation
made with someone else's best interest in mind...
when all i want...
is to be something beautiful for you...

Jul 18, 2008

ramble ramble.

do not be alarmed...
for what i have made...
i have made with stone and blood...

and i am not afraid to finish it...

do not be fooled by innocence of age...
for what my father's made...
he's made with blood and promises...

and he is not afraid to end it...

this beast...
this, screaming guide...
it speaks to me in tongues...
repeating what i already protect like truth...

keeping guard...
the monster puts me to sleep each night...

because he fears not blood, nor youth, nor corruption of the truth...
he sees what i'm eyeing...

my catalyst has become too much a solvent to make much more than a mess...
and i am preaching wisdom to those who already knew it best...
and it is escaping them like a song they didn't like...
like a poem read too quiet...

reminding me...
all the while...
that the truth...
is much harder than it seems....

Jul 4, 2008

scales.

like a snake
slithering haphazardly
trying so hard to shed it's skin
reveal the sparkling scales beneath an itchy tight sheathe
my eyes have been cloudy, too, snake
you're just trying to shed your skin out of instinct, out of habit...
i'm trying desperately to shed mine
because deep down, i wasn't supposed to be this...
you and i are both wild creatures...
both stuck in cages with glass walls for strangers to look in and see...
we'll put on a show, hood up, let them see our underbelly...
we don't do it for them...
we do it because we have to...
it's so strangling sometimes...
living with an outfit of age...
but when it comes down to it, snake...
we're both just living for the next time
that we can shed our skin

Jun 30, 2008

muting the poet

lately, i feel trapped in a prison of pink and blue flowers...
something so soft, so delicate, and yet their bars won't ever spell out the answers to my questions...
like...if you love eachother enough, does it really work, does it really last?
am i being lied to, or am i just not hearing your truth?
have i lost my edge, or has someone or something else stolen your attention?
or other questions...such as...
why do fathers end up giving up?
why don't they love you like you'd like?
after all these years, would it be easier to write him off?
and the question i find myself coming back to, that i can't bear the truth about...
do all women subconsciously seek men who are just like their fathers?

and...mommy, can you hear me?
because daddy's been dying a long time, he's long gone...

lover won't love anymore...

and i still don't feel good.

your boy's grown up big and strong and healthy...
the girls like him a lot...
he plays baseball well...
smart...
but he does too many drugs, momma...
i'm not sure if it's cause he misses you...
or if he's just bored...
maybe he doesn't feel good either...

daddy sure misses you...
so bad that he's dying a slow death from missin' his woman...
got rid of everything so nothing would remind him of you...
of what he's lost...
and the life he wishes he could lose...

grandma just turned 70...
and just beat breast cancer...
she's lopsided now, but well taken care of...
her spirits are higher than mine...
always have been...
she pushes me...
the way i wish you were still around to do...

your brothers...
one seems pretty happy...been with his lady a long time now
the other seems unhappy...not quite sure why

as for me, momma...
i'm doing about the same...
my heart's never really stopped hurting...
and the stomachache's still come and go...
wouldn't ya know it?
i don't have a problem swallowing pills now...
so many things have happened, and we've grown so big, momma...
adults now...
but something inside me...
i'm not sure what...
never feels good...
i feel like i'm in a constant dream state that i fear i'll never wake up from...
i never once...found god.
i've never felt kind of comfort since i was little and you'd hold me in your arms...
i guess on the outside, you'd be proud of me...
but inside...
you and i are exactly the same...
i just don't think i'm ready to swallow as many pills as you did...

Jun 24, 2008

credibility

no words of mine will help you see the error of your ways...

i wanna peel...
off my layers for you.

cry.
laugh.
let go.

i want spontaneity mostly...
but i'd settle on happenstance.

to know that your love...
is as close as i'll ever come to knowing god...
i'm settling on atheism and making sure i never stray too far from your embrace.

i feel like a woman.
who's finally being loved the way she should.

i feel sexy.
like my body, mind, and heart are connected and healthy.

i am forgiveness.
i am enlightenment.
i am revolution.

and i am coming home...

cleaner than my departure.

wisdom

i wish i was old enough to know all the answers...

and i wish i was smart enough to know that that is something that probably won't ever happen...

if time doesn't get me, stupidity will...

i wish my lament had more meaning than what it means to me...

i wish it made sense as it makes my mind feel powerless and wasted...

i wish my fortune had already been told so that i'd truly know what i am worth...

i wish i could see my inner light, but i guess it was built in the wrong place...

i wish i could find, far more than i already seek...

here's to hoping that you'll never forget me...

i'm finding it more difficult every day to be exactly as i am, what i am...

is that even right?

but the tides, turning, can't be seen...

when you're this far from the ocean...

Biscuits

i need to talk myself out of wanting fancy things...
because the beggar's on his last biscuit, and i've still got all mine...
except they're all half gone...
there is nothing more daring than living on the edge of the end...
i wish i could mail myself to somewhere that gave a fuck...
but the score is still uneven and i'm still lacking points...
i'll be optimistic if only i'm given the opportunity...
i still haven't found the treasure my heart seeks and i fear it's because i'm terrible at taking directions...
my father will die before i find the love i need in a cold man's heart...
choke...choke, baby...choke on those words...
but i...
deserve to hurt...
inflict yourself on me before i change my mind...
you'll be just another scar on my skin like a trophy hanging on a wall...
hurt me...
hurt me...
but i will hold him close and breathe him in, as i did my father...
except that he...
will not let go of me in vain...
and he...
will not remind me that i was an accident...
he will tell me that i am wanted, and won't mention that i am just like my mother...
and if he does...
it won't be a bad thing...
this could have been my uprising...
this could be the revolution of my humanity i've been searching for...
but then i look down and see...
i've still only got...

half my biscuits left.

Jun 20, 2008

Tastes Like Turpentine

i come home to the faint smell of strawberries being dehydrated...
so many pounds of strawberries for hardly a few morsels of delicious dried out taste...

it seems i haven't got much oomph left in me...

lately, i'm trying my damndest to forgive my father...
but it's only making me want to let him go a little bit more...
not just him, but my oldest and youngest brothers...

who never really got a chance to make up their minds about me...

i'm letting them slip, as so many people seem to do...
right through my grasp, my love, my devotion...

i feel ugly for being okay with that...

but i can't change what's in my heart...
it's so much easier to just let go...

than to hurt...

and be hurt...

and to never see the kind of love that should be unspoken...
instead of unspoken, it's never been heard of...
never been felt at all...

how can a family not feel like a family at all...

selfishness?
abandonment?

or perhaps everyone already has/had their own best interest in mind...

Jun 10, 2008

Solace

atheism, because i'm starting to realize that god never really spoke clearly to me...
hell, never really spoke to me at all...

and jesus is about as imaginary as my imaginary friend, davey, was when i was three years old...

we're fighting the wars of our ancestors and we're forgetting everything our mother's told us...
we are stagnating in our own filthy bathwater...

give us an illusion to help us believe that we are clean...

these oversung lullabies aren't helping anymore...
and humpty dumpty is too busy smoking dope to show me how to put myself back together again...

but i was not raised to put my money on faith alone...

i believe in the men who speak of christianity...
the same men who lie, cheat, steal, kill, and covet their own neighbors' wives...

if god were real, he'd have no agenda...comfort.
that's all the reason i can think of.

last night i dreampt of driving up a waterfall, through the city of zombies of those i used to know, and there, inside a watery tomb, sat gabriel, plump with bourbon, in the form of an ex boyfriend...he said "marilyn, stay with us...it's neither heaven, nor hell...but there's bourbon, and you have to stay with us"...i screamed "no, no, no"...and then i woke up...

i'm not sure what to be more disturbed by...driving up a waterfall, or gabriel, in the form of an ex boyfriend, urging me to stay in zombieland...

i guess that's what i get for trying to figure out religion...

i sleep with the snakes...and they don't urge me to eat anything...

Jun 5, 2008

I Like Your Acne

i feel like a nobody trapped in a world full of people who think they are somebodies...

i tell you "deeper, harder, faster," because most days...it's the only thing besides your smile to remind me that i'm alive...

i'm an uninspired train wreck, but i have so much to be thankful for...

tell me that's it's going to be alright...

i'm strapped for cash, but find myself so rich with love that it pours from me like coins from a jar...

everyday i find myself less and less believing in god...because i've been shown a science i can not deny...

i can't think of a better use for my heart than holding you up...

people like you belong on pedestals...even if you're afraid of heights...

let's struggle for a purpose...or let's stay, and struggle for much less a reason...

i just want to be the best i can be when i need to...

it's become a long, drawn out, perpetual waiting game, and i'm tired of playing...

somewhere across this plane, brother, we'll find eachother again...and we'll bask in the happinesses the other has found...

uninspired or lazy...?

you be the judge...

May 28, 2008

biolumines

the words ran from her tongue to her lips and spilled into her hands like truth, like beauty, like love...

a chemtrail wake of heat and steam...

she knows you long to hear the words that have made you ache for ages...

she has them all, and she knows how to use them...

we are but a fraction of the bigger picture...

and yet, this picture seems so washed out...

you want the reward, but aren't willing to pay the time or effort...

but she...

she is worth it nonetheless...

and you...

should never stop fighting...

to hear those words...

should never stop fighting...

for her....

May 21, 2008

Harsh Times

suck the teet of mother earth
and feel what her wrath feels like
when she's gone bone dry

i'll eat a thousand different animals this year
and i can taste every single one of their squeals

like the screaming of babies
when their fathers ignore them

but daddy is so in touch with mother nature
and he knows how to burn down forests
with the sparks that pour from his ignorant mouth

until he sleeps eternal
he will never know the damage he's caused
and even then
he'll never know
or care quite like he should

it's a lost cause when mother nature is trying to burn us alive
and all i can think of is the memory of a colder climate
when the sun didn't burn like heartache on my arms

daddy's comfortable there
up in those hills
he doesn't need reactions
he doesn't need anything
including me

because he's got all he needs
mother nature

and himself

May 17, 2008

If You Give A Mouse A Cookie

i haven't really been in much of a "writing mood" lately...and to be honest...it's killing me...because i have so much to say...

i want to tell the man i love that he means the goddamn world to me...that i've never felt so much love in all my life...that i haven't been this carefree and happy since i was a child...and not even then, really...that i'm the lucky one...

i want to tell my mother the secrets within my heart...i want to share things with her that can't be shared with those who still are breathing...i want her to share in the happiness i've found, and am still finding...

i want to fill the world with the song of my words...and i want people to listen to what i have to say...and not just wait for their turn to speak...

i want the forgiveness to keep coming...i want the apologies i deserve...and i want you all to know that i'm sorry, too...

i want the kind of poetry in my life that used to keep me up at night...ages ago...when we were real poets...fuck, yeah!...and the meaning was deeper than trying to find something to read for the sake of reading...when performance didn't matter because the words meant something different to everyone...and we were all beautiful because we all...had something to say...

i want my friends to know that i haven't abandoned them...i've been right here, the whole time...it just seems like no one is needing me anymore...

i want the joy of words back in my life...

i want the poets hiding in las vegas to come out of their caves and make me feel real again...

because isn't that all we need?

i need so badly to hear your story...to feel your words wrapped round me like a blanket...to comfort and intrigue me...to help me find my voice that i fear i may be losing to the apathy of the city...

this shouldn't be a cry for help...

this should be a wake up call to those sleeping without dreams...

May 13, 2008

Here's To Your Health

my grandma is cancer free...and i am very very relieved...she's so important to me...and i want her to live decades longer...

reading klosterman in my underwear, unaware of what this day will offer because i've already gotten everything i need and want, and it's barely noon...

the sun rises and the sun sets, and i'm not afraid to live life anymore, because i know something you don't know...

"take it easy"...
"when it's easy, take it twice"...

i'm abandoning my fears and making it a little harder to reach me, because i don't want to be found anymore...

because getting lost is half the fun...

when you've got someone to help cover you...

oh, and i do get lost...
in those chocolate iris' that make my insides turn to liquid...
my heart is poached...
i'm boiled...
and finally to my liking...

there is this thing inside of me that knows...
deep within...
that each and every day after this...
will be okay...

that my heart will not be fed to the ocean any longer...

i will sustain because i am being cultivated and kept...

May 11, 2008

Scorn?

today i watched two snakes devour five mice whole...

with bloody pink noses and soft pink feet falling out of mouths with spike teeth...

i couldn't help feel bad for the creatures...bred to be eaten...

and not even realizing it until...STRIKE!

it's not fair to say..."they should have known better"...

because a predator put in a cage, is still a predator...

and if you're bred to die...you'll get what's coming to you.

May 8, 2008

harder than it looks

i wanted to tell him that he will never have to hurt again...
hold him in such a way that his wounds will always be dressed...

i wanted to make him feel safe...
like i was a heartbreakproof vest...

i wanted to show him beauty through love...
art through honesty and truth...
music through the sweet sounds we'd make together...

i wanted to show you a world you never knew...
because it's all i have to give to you...

i didn't.

i didn't get any writing done tonight because i keep thinking about the poetry you burn into my bare skin...
how the mere thought of your warm body next to mine...
is keeping me comfortable at night...
even through this summer heat...

i'm thinking about how many mountains i can move with you...
and how my heart would fit perfect in your bottom drawer...
it's yours.

it's getting harder and harder to sleep...
when time...
is what keeps me up at night...

i keep wondering when the weather will subside...
and we can play together like the wind once again...

we're flying...

Apr 28, 2008

hard act to follow

here we are.
capture this moment.
because this is the only time you've ever really felt alive.l

et's play dead.
and pretend the whole world stands still.
at least for now.

let's be brutally honest with each other.
because lies are the only way down.

let's fight our wars without words or fists.
but with the entanglement of hearts.

let's begin what we always said we'd start.
and let's make it work this time.

we're working harder than we're used to.
because the payout's never been so important.
it's life, it's love.

and i'll stand back and take a long look at the things that we've created.
and i can say to myself.
i hope that we're not done quite yet.

because building it's half the battle.

keeping it upright is going to make our heads spin.

running certain scenarios over and over in my head like a rod and gear.
this is where i lay my head at night, and it's pretty much all i need.

it's barren. it's empty. it's not much for cover.
but it's all i can call home.
at least for now.

i'm praying to gods i'm not sure exist.
that you'll keep me.
that i'm it.

that this city can contain me for a little bit longer.
that i'll still come out shiny, and strong.

that i won't trample over myself like a wilted flower.

that i will be who i've always said i've been.

and i'll accept my newfound place.
with pride.

and i'll wear love like a badge of honor and courage.

Apr 19, 2008

living near the bridge

pretentious salt lick valley
this is what i've used to sustain
but i'm not stabilized anymore

i'm drowning in my own body
trying to keep afloat in the
slowly seeping liquids of my illnesses

it's hard to breathe with holes punched
through my sinus, the size of...but one man's heart
keep blowing

it's becoming unreal to awaken
sitting on edge of the toilet suitable as a metaphor for life
and all i can manage to get out
is a shudder
in response to the pubic hair settling too near for comfort
it's a disgrace

people come to las vegas to die

and although it's been a long, drawn out process
i'm not so sure that it's time to do myself in
just yet

because the juice is too damn good
and i saw a sunset yesterday at the end of my street
that made me realize that
this
was all a dream
and that i'm fine

the pinks and oranges
are still comforting

at least for me

Apr 15, 2008

topped off.

my skin needs someone to make an intentional expedition through the pits and valleys and mountains of it's spread.
i don't look how i feel anymore.
i'm emptying my cage for the first time...and it's not pretty.
i've come to realize that i never really owned my own heart.
and now that i do, i'm selling it to the highest bidder.
and he's won. he's already won.
i wonder if friends, and their values, will ever come in test sizes.
i'm letting go of habits that only bring me peril and heartache.
i'm spreading the wealth of days gone past, but i'm still not packaging it right.
she says i need to really open up.
i don't know what that means.
as i've open up so much, that if i go any farther, nothing, in time, will matter to any of you. nothing will be of importance.
i will be what i am, only uglier on the outside.
even though i know, it will make me cleaner on the inside, and therefore, beautiful.
i just want to see the stars and smell the ocean again.
i need to remember that i'm alive.
and alive for many many reasons.
i need heaven to occur before i'm dead.
and if need be, i'll find it in people.
i need to throw away the past, because it hurts me too much to hold onto anymore.
i need the smiles to be more real.
i need the empty promises and the dishonesty and the covering up of character to be stopped.
i need people to stop being liars about who they are, down deep.
you're all easier to see through than you think.
as for the things that tie me down.
i need to throw them all away.

Apr 13, 2008

dead hands.

the hand that extinguishes the flames...
is quick to die...
because there are too many things around here...
that need burning...

i'm calling this my exit wound...

what i wouldn't give to be part of the asphalt on the road that leads you home...

to be a part of your journey...
the one that i've missed out on...

a while back i feared that when you'd leave, my flame, too, would be extinguished...

but i feel the fire burning anew...
something magical will rise from these ashes...

because i've realized...that all along...it's you i've been hiding behind...

she still holds your hand and closes her eyes and wants to walk through the fields of wheat with you...

but you never got to know her...

and now you're gone, too.

Mar 24, 2008

empty rooms.

she’s disenchanted.

they’ve discontinued her model.

and she keeps falling for the same jokes...like men.

people tell her that she is sad because she runs away from the depth in herself every time a new part is discovered and that she thinks all that she is or ever will be is what’s been done to her.(junkie<3)

she believes that nature is the only place that’s never really lied to her.

she sees the face of her mother in the mirror and can’t help but feel like a warrior separated from its tribe.

she wants to meet a man who doesn’t remind her of her father.

she is like a bug, and one day, someone will set her free instead of stomping her down.

they haven’t got her figured out just yet.

she was born strong.

but she always loses at mercy.

she wants forgiveness.

like a song without any words, you’ve already made your mind up about her.

but close your eyes and take another listen.

she will always be resting, closed eyes, mouth agape, whispering..."you’re on your own now"...

hot breath feeding warm lies to the dissatisfied...

you can’t feed on what’s already empty...

but she is still...trying so hard...to fill up again.

she tries to remain a mystery, but wants everyone to know her inside and out...

she’s become disloyal to herself.

she wants him to handle her like a serpent.

to finally feel a path in the dark.

steady, but always on the verge of losing her balance.

ground her.

someone let her lean.

she’s falling.

Feb 29, 2008

duels.

believe in the gnarled pieces of metal blown into the bodies of soldiers...

i believe we all carry our own shrapnel in one way or another...



let's fight this war of words with long drawn out phrases like "emotionally unavailable" and "fear of the unknown" and "it's not you, it's me"

let's challenge each other to a duel with swords drawn and engraved in the solid steel are the words "prophetic" and "microscopic" and "feeble" and "coward"...

let's pretend this house...is a battlefield, and we're standing on the front lines and we've both got arrows pointed at the other's heart...and on the tips of each arrow are announcements such as "i'm letting go" and "i have to hold on"...

let's make sure our blood spills in pools and spells out the lines in the paragraphs of the story that forms when we are all broken open...

for fear of each other...for love of one another...

because we do not know...what we can't feel...

and we can't feel what we won't let ourselves...

a duel to damn me...

a duel to perhaps save us all...

a duel, because scars can only be corrected when you rip the wound wide open and sew it up again...

the right way...

Feb 22, 2008

whats wrong.

being scorned and saved and slipping down the monotone tunnel all in the same breath...because i'm the poor man's princess...i'm the ice storm version of lady madonna...

i haven't got wrought iron fences around me, you just don't know how to work the latch...

i'm hanging on by a cable that's connected to nothing...

and everything...

Feb 21, 2008

procure this

when gentle angels become notches in bedposts and operettas become lyrical monstrosities...

bert's unibrow like the caterpillar who metamorphosises into the butterfly i wish i could become...

screaming my mothers name through a net of spittle...to come out sounding like a baby babbling blah blah ma...

i'm sparing those false idols i yearn to slide my time card into...punch the holes and mark the time so that i know how long i've yet to suffer...

how long until i'm spared...

felating the drunken dreams of making children with men who don't love women...and are more broken than i can speak of...

we're damned...

you and i will always be the same...made up of the same stuff no matter where we are...

and i want to be the hero of children who don't yet have conscious thought...

if only i were influence...

if only you were under the influence...

if only you and i didn't mix like oil and vinegar...

tasting great together, but we'll end up separating...we can't hide inside each other...

when the chamber finally breaks us down...only then...will we become the carbons and hydrogens and oxygens...

and we can finally see what we're made of...

Feb 20, 2008

piece of a letter.

I read Sedaris to make myself smile. And most of the time, I feel like hurting myself. Yanking a cuticle off sometimes doesn't do the job. And I don't smoke anymore. I find myself wanting to get lost in empty unfulfilling relationships, just so I have someone to tell my life's story to. The only problem, I'd probably have to hear theirs.

Selfish? A bit.

I itch from the inside of my skin. Have since I was a kid. The worst itch is the one that you can reach, and need a chainsaw to scratch.

I want to be the next Sally Ride.

I wish I could let loose on the mic the way my heart speaks in beats and measures and I wish my middle name didn't sound like serial killers slicing through muscle. NICOLE - rip - tear - slice -

I wish life were like a Woody Allen movie, and I want the soundtrack to be the music two people make when they fall deeply in love. I wish love really did conquer all. I wish doves were exposed for what they really are. White pigeons. I wish I didn't bruise so easily. I wish for black eyes that I earned and one's that I did not. People think the sum of one and one is two. But it's me and you. And that's one too many.

I once taught tennis to a 3 or maybe 4 year old named Luca...who had curly blonde hair and a laugh that threw all caution to the wind. I thought "that's what angels look like". But he never saved me. He just smiled. And laughed. And ran wildly as a breeze formed in his curly hair.

Then again...maybe he did save me.

Feb 5, 2008

B.

the shoe is ugly as hell...but it sure fits well.

i'm going to stop pardoning myself for my flaws.

i need to laugh more and sulk less often...

i need to branch out.

share the wealth.

take care of someone else because i've already got my own act together.

okay, maybe not now.


but soon.

A.

A.
i woke up this morning, and knew things.

mysteries my heart had yet to unearth...

were finally showing themselves.

and the things i still don't know, i'd like to.

but it doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Feb 2, 2008

a thought.

like a shard of glass, i'll capture and reflect the most beautiful light.

but only if held a certain way.