Tastes Like Turpentine

i come home to the faint smell of strawberries being dehydrated...
so many pounds of strawberries for hardly a few morsels of delicious dried out taste...

it seems i haven't got much oomph left in me...

lately, i'm trying my damndest to forgive my father...
but it's only making me want to let him go a little bit more...
not just him, but my oldest and youngest brothers...

who never really got a chance to make up their minds about me...

i'm letting them slip, as so many people seem to do...
right through my grasp, my love, my devotion...

i feel ugly for being okay with that...

but i can't change what's in my heart...
it's so much easier to just let go...

than to hurt...

and be hurt...

and to never see the kind of love that should be unspoken...
instead of unspoken, it's never been heard of...
never been felt at all...

how can a family not feel like a family at all...

selfishness?
abandonment?

or perhaps everyone already has/had their own best interest in mind...